Love and confusion
by jessa faerie
Summary: This is a completely different LJ fanfic story... James is having verbally violent mood swings that rival PMS and know one knows whats up... Can he beat this unseen force?...And will Lily be able to copeforgive him? RR and find out.!:D
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

AU I don't own anything pertaining to the Harry Potter books. All of that amazing work belongs to J.K. Rowling. I just own my story.

It was almost midnight and James, Sirius, and Remus were the only ones who remained in the Gryffindor common room. The only reason Sirius and Remus were still there was because James was waiting up on Lily.

"You don't have to stay up with me you know?" said James as he notices Remus asleep on the squashy couch.

Sirius replied,

"Yea, I know mate, I wanted to, but I think I'm off."

"Night, this bloody bookworm is out, I'll leave him." James said back.

James had noticed the ceiling at supper and knew there would be bad weather tonight. Every now and then the sky would flash in the distance, signaling its violent approach.

Not too long after Sirius went off, the portrait swung open and standing there was Lily, she looked scared and relieved at the same time.

James mistook this as guilt.

"James…" Lily breathed before James interrupted her with sternness.

"Where have you been?"

"I went to the library with Arianna, Kathleen, and Emma. Why?"

"Well," continued James in the same peculiar tone, "I haven't seen you all day, and every time this week that I've tried to talk to you, you always have something better to do."

"I… I'm sorry baby, really… I… I don't mean to… I just… Where is this coming from?" In the last words Lily stood up for herself, that was something James hadn't expected.

"You're cheating on me, aren't you!" James accused bitterly.

"No! No, you know I would nev…" Lily tried to defend herself but James cut in again.

"Don't lie! You are cheating on me!" James sounded like he was stating a fact or had caught Lily in the act.

"No!" Lily was crying hysterically. 'Why? Where was this coming from?' Lily thought desperately.

Everyone that was awake in the dormitories or had been stirred from their more peaceful slumber, were on Lily's side, boys and girls alike. They all wondered 'What is wrong with him?'

"I… I didn't … James."

Lily's last words to him in the Common Room that night echoed around him like and icy death with its merciless fingers around his neck.

Lily ran out through the portrait hole, sobbing and halfheartedly wishing that she would find someone's arms. Preferably James'.

James called after her; too late. 'What have I done? How could those words have fallen from my lips? Oh my God, Merlin only knows what she's about to do. Oh God! she's probably gone to drown herself in the lake!'

Those and similar thoughts rushed through his head like a haunting waterfall.

James began to go after her, but a hand grabbed on to his muscular arm. He turned around and came face to face with the voice that said,

"Haven't you caused enough heartache and tears for one night?"

It was Remus.

"I have to go after her, I can't believe what I…" James tried, but this time he was cut off.

"No, not yet mate. You have to talk this through with me first. Do you realize you told the love of your life that she was cheating on you?"

"I… I don't know what to say for myself. I would have never done something like that to her. Remus, I love her."

They talked for a good 30 minutes before Remus decided to let James go to Lily, if she would take him.

As James made his way to the main doors, one slightly opened, as though the person on the other side was having great difficulty. He ran to the door and opened it carefully.

Standing there was a very battered, shaking, and wet Lily.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Oh my God, what happened?" asked James in a frenzy as Lily tried to make her way towards him.

"I… I was… just… James." Then Lily fainted

James had just caught. He lifted her limp and weighted form and took her to the Hosptial Wing. He didn't leave her and Madam Pomfrey didn't tell him to. The hours passed slowly in such a stillness that drove James mad.

He didn't know what happened. He wished with all his might that it was him in that bed, not Lily. Nothing changed in her condition, except that she would shift slightly in her bed and wince in pain. She was strong, James knew, and she would make it through.

James sat there, looking over her delicate frame, so battered and frail looking. Lily's emerald green sweatshirt, that would have matched her eyes, had they been open, complimented her beautiful red hair and ivory white skin, a was torn, wet, and muddy. Her blue jeans, that were always in such pristine condition, had a rip on one knee and were also splattered with mud and water. Lily's hands had scrapes and earlier had dried blood under her nails. James had long since cleaned that off. It killed him that he couldn't do anything else.

James had stayed up all night sitting next to her. Dawn came and went and at around 8 am., and he slipped into a light doze.

James was jolted out of his sleep. He looked over at Lily. He reached for her hand, and she stirred. His heart skipped a beat, and Lily's eyes fluttered open.

James could scarcely breathe. He could see something in her eyes. For a brief moment, there was fear. Not like her 'Oh no, we have a test tomorrow' this ran much deeper than that. As quickly as it had come, the panic was gone. She knew where she was now.

"Lily?" James asked.

She looked over at him and smiled weakly.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" he questioned sweetly.

Lily took a deep breathe and said through tears and a shaky voice,

"Never better."

"You lie." James said and smiled.

"Yea." she said back through new tears, the same voice, and an innocent half-smile.

James still had her hand and he was now brushing her hair away from her face with his hand. He was careful to avoid bruises.

He took a breath and asked,

"Lily?"

"Hmm."

"What happened? You don't have to…I mean I was just so worried and more so not knowing…I…" was all he was able to force out quickly.

Lily interrupted him politely with,

"James, I'll try."

Through Lily's tears and more trembling and troubled breathing (due to a slightly cracked rib) she began to tell James what happened.

She wasn't ready to tell him and he knew that. But he also knew that if she didn't say anything now, she never would, so he didn't stop her, only when she needed it.

"After…after our fight…I…I went to take a walk…by…by the lake…just to…to think things out…and I'm so sorry James."

"I'm sorry too Lily it was all my fault." James said.

"It was cloudy… and windy. I love the wind. And after I… I was there a while… James he was watching me…he must've been. I was there no…no less than 20 minutes…then…then I heard talking…it sounded far away. I…I didn't know who it was…had…had I known, I would have left but, I didn't. They were looking for me."

Her tears were coming more steadily now; her sobs more deep. James sat up with her and held her for a moment. When she was ready she started up again.

"The thunder had…had started…and then he…he was there and he was mad. He had a fury like I…I've never seen before. I'm so stupid! How could I just… just not know?"

"No, sweetheart, you are not stupid. You couldn't have known." James told her sympathetically. He still had no idea what she was talking about, but he continued to listen.

"I…," Lily began again, "had met up with him earlier that day, and he asked me to be his girlfriend,"

James was in a stupor at her last words, but who was she talking about? Lily was able to talk more fluently now.

"but I said 'no'. He was furious at me. At first he tried to convince me to leave you, after my no. He was telling me all kinds of lies about you and just really horrible things. He threatened me…and you. He said he would get back at me, over the littlest of things, James. I tried to walk away but he grabbed my wrist, I turned and…and it was just a reflex…and I… I slapped him. Then I ran. I didn't know what else to do." Her tears were streaming down her face once more. James felt guilty in a way, he just didn't know why. Then things began to fall into place for him. He now had an idea on what Lily meant.

"Lily?" James started to ask, "Did 'he' do this to you?"

Lily shivered a little and her eyes watered as she looked James in the eyes, a sight that made him hurt as well, and she nodded. Now James wasn't sure what pain was worse, his for Lily's, or the realization that he hadn't been there to protect her.

"Oh my God! This is all my fault!"

"No, it's…"

"I should have never let you leave."

"No, really…its not…"

"I should've never started an argument!"

"James," finally Lily had caught his attention. "If you keep going like that you'll go back to the day you were born! Listen, it's not your fault. I should have taken…taken his threat more seriously."

"No, it's not your fault either.! It's 'his' fault. Lily who was it?"

Obviously Lily had no intention of saying who it was but, it feel out of her mouth so quickly that she couldn't stop it.

"Thomas."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer/ I dont own ANY of these characters or whatever stuff to do with Harry Potter! that is the mastermind of J.K. Rowling.! D

James could tell by the look on Lily's face and in her eyes, she hadn't intended to tell anyone, but now hearing it spoken from Lily's lips, he had to believe it.

"Thomas? You mean Thomas Thomas? As in Thomas Dunnery?" James asked incredulously.

"I… James…please…don't…"

James interrupted her,

"Don't you tell me 'don't' anything Lily Evans." He smiled. "He did this to you and you're gonna tell me 'don't'! Don't what? Don't beat the snot out of him. Lily, sweetheart, I love you and I cant and won't let this go. I don't treat those bloody Slytherins that badly, and Merlin knows they deserve it."

"James, I love you too, you know I do, and I appreciate everything you're doing here, really…but James,…?"

"Hmm.?"

Lily began to count them off on her fingers.

"Just don't get caught, have backup, and make him hurt." Lily said serenely.

James smiled broadly at her, she could be fierce when she wanted to be. He could tell that she was a little scared, for herself and for him. But James would know where Thomas was and where Lily was because Sirius, Remus, and he had the Marauders Map. He felt that he could keep her safe this time at least.

He couldn't even remember what their fight had been about. James figured he was probably being his P.M.S. ing self and Lily didn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions. 'So much for that.' James thought.

Lily looked at James,

"You're thinking about our argument huh?" Lily questioned.

James thought, 'How does she do that?'

Lily continued with a grin,

"And you're wondering how I do that?"

James laughed,

"All right you win, you got me, both times."

Lily said, "I usually do."

James lent over and kissed her gently on the forehead and said,

"You know the argument doesn't even matter anymore. All that matters is that you're safe and I can protect you now."

James continued, "But don't worry, I'm gonna kill that stupid arse!"

"Please James, don't…" Lily protested again.

"Sweetheart you know I wont actually kill him, just make him remember it for a while!"

Lily looked uncertain, but smiled

"Thanks." Lily replied

They looked at each other lovingly. Lily tried to move over some for James but she winced in pain. Madam Pomfrey told James that Lily had a slightly cracked rib, nothing major but enough to make your breathing hard to do when moving to much. Watching Lily made James hurt again. He said,

"Lily?... I know you aren't trying to move over for my big butt?"

Lily giggled slightly, "Yes."

"Well don't. I shouldn't even be up here." James smiled at Lily and lent in and kissed her on her forehead again, then sat back on his chair.

"I love you, James." Lily stated out of nowhere.

"I love you too." replied James in a whisper as gentle and soothing as the evening wind.

A/N sry guys... sry it took so long to update... schoolwork! it bites... LOL my teacher is evil! im sure you all understand it.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Hello folks… I decided to update quickly so….. here's chapter 4! Xoxoxo

Chapter 4

5 days later

Lily was out of the hospital wing now. She would get completely sick to her stomach when she saw Thomas. Her face would become a soft but discernable shade of green or she'd slightly tremble if he dared to look at her as though nothing was wrong.

Neither James nor Lily could recall what had happened that night in the common room. All they knew is that they were in an argument, and no one reminded them. No one even mentioned it.

Lily didn't know it but today was the day that James would make Thomas pay. James had told Arianna, however, and she was to keep close tabs on Lily all day.

Sirius and Remus also knew. (Of course they knew!) James was understanding when Remus said he had far too much homework. It was true too, he did in fact have a lot of homework. He hated fights as well. It reminded of what he is capable of. (When he's a werewolf)

Remus had DADA, Arithmancy, Potions, and Divination homework for the weekend.

James was lucky to have found Thomas, alone, without his posse'. The map showed him walking on the Hogwarts grounds.

James came up to him and met him face to face. Thomas had tried to avoid James, (by not running into him) but now it was clear to him that James was in his way for a reason.

He had nothing with him except the force of his punch and the anger behind it. He wasn't going to use his wand on Thomas.

Thomas had other plans for his course of action. He reached into his robes and pulled out his wand; he raised it above him…

Sirius came up behind Thomas and grabbed the wand. Only James had seen him coming.

"No, you fight with your fists. Remember? Or is trying to beat up a guy just,… oh I dunno, just, not your thing?" Sirius spat out sardonically to Thomas.

The fear in Thomas' eyes was obvious; James used this to his advantage to further shaken his psyche.

"You'd better hope you don't come out of this alive, because if you do, you'll be wishing I'd killed you." James stated in a confidently cool fashion.

James fist made contact with Thomas' stomach before he could say 'Quidditch', and he was stupidly stumbling backwards. Thomas went down. James picked him up off the ground. He had the scruff of Thomas' robes; James punched again.

He made sure that the whole time Thomas felt pain; no, he wouldn't knock him out yet. He hoped it was a terrible pain. Thomas didn't get many swings in at James but the ones he did get in there, James didn't feel. All his malice completely blocked everything out.

James heard a faint yelp, and booming shouting that sounded somewhat familiar, yet so far away. Two arms wrapped around his own, preventing him from pulling Thomas off the ground again. He had just gone unconscious.

He was spun around.

"That's enough James. You're killing him!." Sirius said gravely.

"Good, he needs to die." James responded.

"Well, Lily's here so…" began Sirius, and not expecting to finish, because James was snapped back into reality by Lily's name

"James."

'It was Lily who screamed.' James thought, 'That was when Thomas punched me.'

"Lily, oh Merlin, I'm so sorry, you weren't supposed to know."

"It's okay, I'm glad. Oh! James, you're bleeding.

Lily tried to use her sleeve to try to wipe the blood, but James stopped her. He used the back of his own sleeve. He knew how much she liked that sweater. :)

"Lily, I'm really sorr…"

Lily placed her two fingers (index and middle) to his lips gently and reassured him that it was okay. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him into a consoling hug.

Lily was just happy to have him there. She silently wished this had never happened, as soon as she thought it she felt guilty. Lily was thankful for what James had done. Any other guy would have let it go… not by choice… they just wouldn't have been able to.

Sirius and James floated Thomas through the castle to the hospital. Had Thomas been awake… Sirius wouldn't have let him be, and his eye would have been swollen shut anyway.

The day was soon over and Lily and James were sitting under a beautifully, large tree, and they were watching the sun set. The sky looked as though it had been painted with pastel water colors. They watched the changing colors dance in the evening light as though it were a ballerina whose silk attire was ever altering before your eyes.

The past few days had been a bit dramatic for all of them, now that it was all over Lily could just sit, and breathe. James was more relaxed as well, considering the minority of bruises he had sustained. Humorously and most likely from Sirius, when he was trying to attempt a few swings at Thomas. James would later refer to him as 'spastic'. Lily was thankful as well to Arianna and her timing. She had somehow managed to spare Thomas' life. She knew he didn't deserve it.

Lily and James did not notice Arianna and Sirius were accompanying each other by sitting not far behind them.

Sirius asked, "Aren't they great together?"

"Yea, they're a beautiful pair." Arianna replied.

Sirius looked at her until she looked back, then they were gazing into each other's eyes. In Arianna's mind, she was a little frightened; she had never been kissed before and she knew he was about to do just that.

Sirius leaned in and kissed Arianna; she liked it and kissed him back.

A/N I hope this one was okay…..!. don't worry Remus will get a girl.!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I soooo do not own any of these characters…. Well except Arianna… and the plot… All the rest is J. K. Rowlings.!

A/N Sooooo sorry this took a while to update folks…. But I'm working on the 6th Chapter now…

To ishbu girl….. NOoooooo… You cant take away my Fruits Basket supply..! Puhleez.

Chapter 5

James woke up, startled by a dream. He sat up for some time thinking about it.

Flashback

_Lily asked James, "Why do you keep doing this? You blame me for things that are just… I don't know… the 'real' James would never do!"_

_James began, "I… I don't… Lily I don't remember any of this. I believe you, I know you aren't lying, but a lot of it I just don't remember doing. You try to put it from your mind, Lily and that's not fair to you. What's happening Lily?"_

"_I don't know James but it really scares me." Lily responded cautiously, for fear of setting James off again._

"_I don't want to scare you."_

_End Flashback to Dream_

It was a dull gray and chilly morning. The faint cold emanating throughout the room, along with James' reminiscing over his dream made him shiver slightly. He got dressed and went downstairs to the much warmer common room. He was a little surprised to find that the rest of the Gryffindor Tower had gone to breakfast.

Remus had told everyone to just let James sleep and that he'd had a bit of rough sleep. Lily wanted to wait for him, and she did but after nearly 25 minutes of ignoring her grumbling stomach, she decided to catch up with him later.

Lily, James and Remus were sitting together on one of the common room couches. The three of them were studying for exams. Of course this was not James' idea and he complained that exams weren't until June, but Remus and Lily succeeded in persuading him to at least look over Potions and Divination. Sirius and Arianna were otherwise occupied. : )

A group of first years witnessed this and embarrassedly and distractedly ran through the common room to get outdoors. James picked up his crusted with age borrowed Divination book and hurled it across the room at Sirius. James had and excellent aim; it had hit Sirius square in the back of the head.

"Oi! What's the problem Prongs?" Sirius asked confusedly jumping back to the couch near the fireplace from… well…. where ever he thought he'd been.

"Get a room why don't you!" James said rhetorically.

Sirius looked around, and James knew what was coming.

"Are we not in one?"

Remus and James smirked and Lily did her best to stifle a giggle. James knew it was funny. He couldn't deny that much.

"Well, you don't need to be giving demonstrations to first years. Yet. Honestly!" James pretended to be disgusted, but everyone saw through his act. He had been lectured just last week for the same 'crime' with Lily.

"Yes, really Padfoot! Freedemonstrations at that! You should at least charge for it.!"

Remus rejoined the conversation after nearly smothering to death from trying to hold in his laughs. (A/N Don't worry if you didn't catch what was funny…. Its okay. I don't even know what was funny really except that James had also been caught and jeered at for snogging in the common room. Just this author's way of trying to be funny.)

A smile and a 'teh' sound (the laugh-sigh sound) came from Lily at Remus' assumed funny statement.

"Okay Lily, it's over now." James spoke with a more serious tone.

Remus eyed him suspiciously, Sirius was back to… well… to Arianna.

"Alright James. I'm sorry." Lily said apologetically and a little irritatedly.

"Can you give us a minute?" James directed his question at Remus; he too had noticed… uhmm… Sirius.

"Sure. C'mon Sirius, her lips aren't going anywhere."

Remus pulled Sirius off of Arianna. Sirius helped her up and the guy's went to there dormitories and vice versa. Lily and James remained. Lily had stood up. It was late; they were the only ones who were down there…again.

"James? What is this really about?" Lily asked nervously.

"Oh. I think you know."

"No, I really don't. I wouldn't have asked if I did know." She replied daringly.

James began a slow sinister walk towards Lily. She was frightened. Frightened of James.

"James.? Don't look at me like that. James! Cut it out! James!"

"James!" Lily's last shout of his name was trying to catch his, well,… the attention that she wanted from him.

As she did that, he was making his was towards her still, and now Lily was backing up against the icy window pane. It was either James or the raw frosted air behind her that made her shudder throughout her body and up and down her back.

"James quit it! I hate that look in your eyes.," Lily stated firmly but compassionately. She placed a hand on the side of his neck and face, cupping his lower jaw.

"The sparkle's gone." Lily continued holding back tears.

James shook himself confusedly.

"Lily? What happened?"

"I don't know, but you really scared me," where had he heard that before. It sounded so familiar. "Maybe you should tell Dumbledore? I mean you anger easily, mostly at me. You just…I don't know. You just aren't yourself."

"No. I'm not going see the headmaster for every little teen problem I get." James came back with determinedly.

"Don't you think he at least ought to know?"

"No Lily. I really don't think he needs to be bothered with this."

"But James," tears that she had been holding back began to delicately slide down her cheeks, it bothers me."

James was at a loss for words. He had made Lily cry. Just like Thomas. He tried to convince himself that this was different, but then he felt that 'no, it really isn't.' Thomas had physically abused her, and now he was mentally and emotionally abused her. She had already been through that with her past boyfriend. Now James was no different, he felt he was becoming the same monster. He had to find out what was going on. Lily was right; he'd go to Dumbledore in the morning.

"Lily?" James reached out to Lily's waist. After a brief hesitation, she came.

James continued, "Baby, go on up to bed. Get some rest." He saw worry and confusion in her eyes, "I'm going to see Dumbledore in the morning." He added consolingly.

Lily's eyes brightened a little at this.

"Okay. Night. Sweet dreams." She stood on tiptoes to kiss him.

Then Lily began to walk up the stairs.

"Lily." James knew she liked to hearing it, and wasn't quite used to it yet but he said, "I love you."

A smile lit across her face. Just what he'd hoped for.

"I love you too."

A/N: Let me know if I have any wrong info in here…. Like times, or professors etc. Misspellings bug me to death so if you think you see one… let me know. Uhhh let me know when Hogwarts exams are…. I don't know… lol thanks.! And Sirius and Arianna were snogging on the couch. And snogging only! Remus' 'assumed funny' statement was about Lily and James doing the same thing.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily left from the Great Hall to attend her first class, Transfiguration. Her footsteps fell into play with the rhythmic sounds of the bustling corridors. She felt alone. Rejected, in a sense. Lily had no where to go, no one to turn to. James was gone. But where? She was with him the night before. Remus said that he could recall a commotion in the common room last night. He had gone down from the dormitory and it was empty. The fireplace, extinguished.

_Flashback to Breakfast in the Great Hall_

Lily expressed her angst with Remus and Sirius, although Sirius was caught up in his usual morning food frenzy.

"I guess it was James leaving with a 'bang', Lily, don't worry about it. He'll turn up." Remus told Lily consolingly.

"Yea, he's probably spending the night in the Hog's Head or something." Sirius joined in, making matters worse.

"Ignore him Lily. James is a big boy now…"

"We're so proud." Sirius cut in faking an emotional maternal sniff.

"I'm sure he'll be fine. He's probably been up with Dumbledore all morning." He had continued disregarding Sirius' discompassionate comments. **(A/N is that a word? lol) **

Lily had sat mulling over their conversation, picking through her scrambled eggs and sausage that lay in rejected disarray on her plate.

_End Flashback_

She sat in class, inattentive. Nothing could have gotten James off of her mind. Her book sat open on her desk, quill and ink, idle. McGonagall noticed Lily's intense thinking and her lack of note-taking. The class passed by in a whir that Lily did not remember. She answered a few questions correctly, but absentmindedly.

A bell sounded in Lily's ears, something that began to irritate her and disturb her thought process. She realized that it was the school bell. Transfiguration was over. The class began to flee from the class as though it were the plague. Lily packed her books at a turtle with rheumatoid arthritis. She didn't notice the concentrated noise in the corridors, and then the dying down of it all.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and addressed Lily, "Ms. Evans? Is there anything that you care to share with me.?"

Lily looked around the classroom, for the first time noticing the absence of her peers.

"Ma'm?"

"I asked if there was anything that you would care to share with me."

"Oh, no. I don't suppose. It's just James and I were having problems, and now he's gone."

"Ah, yes, Ms. Evans. Do explain."

Lily looked apprehensive.

"Ms. Evans, just because I'm getting up in years does not mean that I am incapable of comprehending teenage troubles." McGonagall said smiling.

Lily smiled back and began to explain what had been happening between James and her.

"Well yes, that is curious. Have you considered consulting with Professor Dumbledore?"

Lily paused, "No, I haven't. That's what James was supposed to be doing. But I don't even know where he might be."

"Yes, then, I do believe that you should ask Albus what he thinks.

"Okay, well I'll do that right now. Thanks for everything Professor. See you."

"Not a problem." McGonagall responded to Lily as she was walking out of the door.

Minerva McGonagall sat down at the desk in her office, reflecting on the heart to heart she just had with on of her favorite students.

_Meanwhile_

Lily ran up to the quite grotesque stone gargoyle. She spoke the password 'Lemon Sherbet' and the gargoyle jumped aside. Lily made her way to Dumbledore's office door. It opened, and there he appeared, looking somber and tired.

"Mrs. Evans." He said. "Come with me."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Love and Confusion**_

_Chapter 7_

Lily, obligingly followed Dumbledore, wordlessly walking quickly with him, down another set of marble stairs from whence Lily had just come. Her eyes were cast downward, following Dumbledore's footsteps. The Lily had almost collided with the headmaster again as they came to an abrupt stop in front of a pair of gloomy, expansive oak doors. Lily recognized these doors. She trembled and asked hesitantly,

"Why..why are we here? At the…" and she was cut off by a solitary hand raised. He grasped the handle and pulled open the doors to the Hospital Wing.

Dumbledore led Lily a little further into the Hospital Wing. He motioned for Lily to stand back and he told her to prepare herself. He drew back to curtains, and Lily inhaled sharply and couldn't contain the stinging tears as James Potter was revealed to her, lying amongst linen of white and pale blue.

Lily couldn't believe her eyes. She had just been going to find Dumbledore to talk to him about James. And now…here he was. 'Except it couldn't be him,' she told herself. 'James didn't have that pasty white look to his skin. His lips weren't blue like that. His flesh was not cold like a corpse. It just couldn't be James.' Lily wanted desperately for all of this to be a terrible nightmare or for everything just to fade around her so that she was awoken in her own bed. The truth of the room was overwhelming.

Yes, it was James, and this wasn't a nightmare. It was him but he looked cold and severely beat. He lay there, bruised and motionless. It broke Lily's heart to see him lying there. Now she could empathize with James for she felt what he had been feeling when it had been her in the hospital bed.

James was unconscious for nearly a week. However, when he awoke, Lily was by his bedside asleep in the chair; her school books, and parchment in a disheveled mess all around her. Her ink bottle was on the floor under her chair. Luckily, it had not spilt.

James tried to speak but his throat was dry, making his voice barely audible and raspy. "Lily," was all he was able to whisper hoarsely.

"Don't wake her mate. She's been here for three days straight. First time she's slept, she'll probably beat herself up when she finds out she did. Wha'd'ya need?" spoke Sirius on James' left.

"Water." James mouthed in reply, and Sirius produced a glass of water for James; he drank it gratefully.

"So, how long has she been here?"

"Well in and out all week but the past three days she hasn't moved from that chair. She had gotten all of her homework and class work assignments before. But man, you shoulda seen her in classes. Merlin, it was pathetic. She is either really obsessed,…or she really loves you."

Sirius knew better than to ask what happened to his friend.

James smiled and glanced over at his Sleeping Beauty. Lily was curled up like a cat and wore a look of worry on her face.

"You know…James…, she blames herself for…for whatever happened. I just thought I should…you know…prepare you."

James gave a saddened frown to Lily and heard Sirius tell him that he was going down to dinner and ask if he needed anything. He replied with a no, but asked him to bring something for Lily.

"Not a prob." Came Sirius' response.

About a half and hour had passed that James had been idly staring at the ceiling when Sirius came back with a tray for Lily. He left James and her to themselves and went off to spend time with Helen.

In the quiet silence of the night in the Hospital Wing, Lily's eyes flashed open to reveal dancing lights in her emerald green eyes to see James' hazel eyes looking back at her.

"James!" she exclaimed sleepily.

"Hey there flower." He responded in his still groggy voice.

"What happened? How did you end up in here?"

James sighed wearily, "I can't tell you."

"What! Why not?" she asked in a nervous frenzy.

"Dumbledore." He told her calmly, as it seemed, the one name settled her.

"Still. Why?"

"He just doesn't think you should know. Plus…" he drifted off.

"Plus…? What? James! Tell me."

He sighed again, knowing what line she was going to use next.

"You said something James, now you have to finish it." (And he was right.)

James began hesitantly, "It's…He doesn't think it's safe."

"Safe? James…What are you talking about?" she asked with a confused smile, the gleam of triumph from her winning phrase slowly fading from her eyes to reveal and intangible insecurity.

"Exactly as I said. It isn't safe."

"Don't you think I should know something about…whatever it is?...So that…I don't know…So that I can be alert?"

"No. You have nothing to worry about sweetheart. Really." He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

"Then why can't I know?" she contradicted him daringly.

"Sweetheart," James used soft tones, "Promise me that you won't think about this anymore."

Lily looked at him apprehensively but willing to abide and trust him.

Out of the two main doors to the Hospital Wing, the right sided think oak door creaked open. Lily and James peered around the curtain out of curiosity to see powder blue robes with silver embroidered threads in the shapes of moon, stars, and planets. There were delicate half-moon spectacles resting atop a crooked nose of a kind elder wizard. The eyes behind the glasses matched the elegant but casual robes. It was Headmaster Albus Dumbledore.

"Now, Mr. Potter, we aren't filling in Ms. Evans on you little escapades with the dragons and chimeras are we?" he asked with a humorous note in his voice.

Lily was wide-eyed for a moment before taking in the joke, and the playful twinkle in the old man's eyes. James grinned.

"Of course not." James reassured him in the same playful way, pretending to be shocked and indignant. "I wouldn't want her to get jealous when she finds out how much that girl dragon fancied me."

Dumbledore chuckled and said, "I was merely wandering about the halls thinking on if there had ever been a 'toilet water' flavored Bertie Bott's Bean and I thought that I would drop in and ask you Mr. Potter.

James knew he was being checked on but he would humor the headmaster. He put on a bemused thoughtful look and replied, "Well I've never had on of that flavor but Sirius swears he had one that tasted like wet dog fur."

James laughed inwardly that Sirius would in fact know what a wet dog's fur would taste like.

Dumbledore replied vaguely and rhetorically, "Wonder how he would know that flavor?"

James was quick to think and laughed it off with, "Professor, I'll give you three good reasons. One: It's Sirius. Two: We probably do not want to know. And three: I guess the smell."

Dumbledore put on a bewildered façade so James continued, "You know, like treacle tart. And cut grass. You smell it, so you sort of have an idea what it will taste like."

"I see. Well Mr. Potter I will certainly be on the look-out for toilet water, wet dog fur, or any otherwisely flavored beans. Good day to you both.

After Dumbledore was out of earshot James confided to Lily, "That man knows too much for his own good."

Lily smirked openly, her thoughts still not completely straying from how or why James was lying where he was at the present.

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update this story. It has been a while. Well im sorry that so many people end up in the Hospital Wing….i don't know what my problem is. Lol. I may delete this story…I may not. If anyone has ideas for me for later then let me know! Review Please! xoxo**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry once more, this is another re-post. i found more errors. Thanks for your patience. Enjoy and review! xoxo**

Love and Confusion

Chapter 8

James spent another four days in the hospital before he was discharged under strict orders to take it easy, rest, and not physically over-exert himself. Nothing eventful or significant happened for about a week and a half after James' return and his bombardment with questions from everyone, demanding to know where he had been. Somehow a vivid and gruesome dragon and chimera story developed between the first and second year students. This story greatly amused Sirius; therefore he promoted it by 'correcting' minor details in the stories he would over-hear, or eavesdrop on.

"The strange munchkins amuse me." He defended placidly to James.

A tawny owl with amber and honey flecked eyes pecked at the sunlit window nearest James, so he turned the knob to let it in. She swooped in, and flew around the common room and made her way back to James. She perched herself on the backing of a chair and stuck her leg out. James reached out and detached the letter. He saw the tall loopy writing and guessed it was from the headmaster.

_Dear Mr. Potter_

_Due to recent events I expect to see you in my office to practice Occlumency with me. I look forward to our meeting._

_Albus Dumbledore_

_P.S. Toilet Water has been on my mind lately. _

'So, this is it?' James thought, 'This is the catch. I have to close my mind so that bastard Voldemort can't read me like a book.' And another voice in his head said, 'I have to protect Lily.'

"Baby, what's that?" Lily asked when she saw James' determined expression.

"Oh, nothing, letter from Dumbledore."

"Oh." She smiled, knowing not to question further.

James folded the letter and sat down next to Lily who had put down her quill and pushed her books and parchment further away on the table. James made a motion and Lilt leaned forward allowing him to slip his left arm behind her back. She nestled her head into his chest by his shoulder. She carefully breathed in his scent; enveloped in the moment James was doing the same thing. Lily's hair smelled sweet and clean. All he could think of was how lucky how he was to have her in his life, and how lucky they both were to _have_ their lives.

"I love you, Lily." He told her.

Lily turned her head upward to face James. Her enchanting emerald eyes, captivating crimson curls, and the light sprinkle of freckles on her perfect ivory skin took James' breath away and made him fall in love with her all over again.

"I love you too James." She responded, smiling.

"I couldn't imagine life without you." James told her, and at the exact same time Lily was saying, "I don't want to imagine life without you."

Lily, turning and folding one knee Indian-style, James indulged Lily in a passionate kiss for what pleasantly seemed like forever.

It was now, or never.

"Lily," James said as the pulled away, "Will you marry me?" he held his breath.

Tears sprang to her eyes; she looked flustered for only a moment.

"Oh my goodness!" she said quickly. "Yes! Yes! I will! Yes!" and she threw her arms around his neck, still crying tears of happiness.

James let out his breath as Lily did so. He had been waiting for the perfect moment for so long. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the red box, and opened it to take out the ring. It was a tiny elegant gold engagement ring with a square one karat diamond in the center, and a smaller square on either side. He slid the ring on her finger.

"It's b-beautiful." Lily stuttered through her elated bafflement.

"No, you are beautiful." James contradicted her, as Lily smiled at him.

This was everything she had ever hoped for, and all she had dreamed of; was the one day she would be engaged. Still, unbelievable to her, she had a fiancé. She and James kissed again and she nestled back into him. Together they fell asleep on the sofa in the Gryffindor common room. The next morning they would begin a new life, something that just somehow, felt, different and new and excitingly wonderful.

**A/N: I apologize that this is such a short chapter. I was going to do James and Dumbledore's meeting in here as well, but I shall save that until I return from Disneyworld Orlando! I'm leaving tonight! Don't worry, when I get back I will have lots of updating, even to my Ron and Hermione story. Talk to you all very soon. Thanks to all my Reviewers! xoxo**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I know I haven't updated this story in forever. And I do apologize. I have been so busy with other things and other stories that simply must be written down. But here is the 9th installment of Love and Confusion. Do enjoy and review me. Chastise me, because of the delay, if you wish, but please no Flames. You can express your distaste in a more mature way. (Tip: you may want to go back and reread chapter 8)**

_**Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I am not her. However, Helen and Leigh are my own characters. The entire storyline is also mine. I thanks Mrs. Rowling for her incredible mind to invent such places and things for me to write about. The speech given to James by Dumbledore is straight from The Goblet of Fire, Chapter 30. **_

_Chapter 9_

_Love and Confusion_

James was quietly walking down the corridors of Hogwarts, in semi-darkness; he was headed to Dumbledore's office, leaving Lily et cetera in the common room to finish their homework and studying.

He laughed to himself as he imagined the scenes unfolding between them all as he moseyed down the hall. Lily would be sitting on the couch surrounded by books and parchment, labouring diligently on her Potions homework. Sirius would be frolicking gaily around the room, due to the fact that he would have had one or two too many butterbeers, as well as a fire whisky. Helen stuck out her foot to trip him. He would stumble and look for who had pushed him. Lily Remus and Leigh would become increasingly aggravated with Sirius and his intoxicated antics. Remus would be making up his Divination homework again, and Leigh would have abandoned all attempts at homework and would be thoroughly immersed in a book.

James was startled when he found himself face to face with a particularly grotesque gargoyle.

"Toilet Water," James told it, and immediately it sprang to life and jumped aside revealing the infamous spiral staircase that would lead him to his first Occlumency lesson.

He made it to the office door and could hear mumblings of talking; this made him feel slightly intrusive. He therefore knocked on the door, Dumbledore's voice told him to enter. However, the other voices were absent, as though they had never even existed. He knew it was the portraits.

James opened the door to the snores of past headmasters and headmistresses of Hogwarts, and to the hushed purrings and whirrings of Dumbledore's eccentric wizarding instruments. None of the sights or sounds were new to James for he had been there many times before, but rarely because he was _wanted_.

"Good evening, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore greeted him jovially.

"Hi, Professor," James returned, wondering what was in store for him.

"Have a seat," he offered to James. "Lemon drop?"

James took the seat and accepted the lemon drop, very much so surprising Dumbledore.

They sat opposite each other at the headmaster's desk. James noticed a peculiar instrument of Dumbledore's that was usually on a shelf behind glass, was resting on the desk, right in front of him. He straightened in his arm chair to peer inside of the basin. It was filled with a bold silver substance with delicate light silver swirls churning in it. It was such a mystical illusion it was almost nonexistent.

"Charming isn't it?" Dumbledore asked smirking.

James smiled and knew that Dumbledore had picked up on his curiosity.

"Yes sir."

The aged headmaster nodded in acknowledgement and wandered his office, almost begging James with his quiet pacing, to inquire about it.

James obliged, "What is it sir?"

"Ah, I'm glad you asked. This is a quite miraculous instrument. Let me tell you about it. You see," he smiled more mischievously. "I've performed and rehearsed this explanation a thousand time to these headmasters and headmistresses," indicating their portraits. "One would assume they are quite tired of hearing it, and I'm quite delighted to have a new audience."

James smiled in understanding.

"This, is called a Pensieve," said Dumbledore. "I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind."

"Uhmm...," James replied, never having remembered having that problem.

Dumbledore interrupted politely continuing, "It is during these times that I use the Pensieve." He indicated the stone basin with its unusual markings around the edges. "One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."

"You mean…that…all that silvery stuff is your thoughts?" James asked incredulously.

"Certainly, let me show you."

Dumbledore took out his wand from the inside of his robes and placed the tip onto his silvery hair, near his temple. He took the wand away, and there was a thin and strange strand of the same substance that filled the basin, connecting the wand to his head. He added the thought to the basin, and James saw his own face reflected back at him. Dumbledore swirled it with his wand, it became a horrid face, mangled and flat, and with slits for eyes.

James started, as he realized what, or rather who it was.

It was Voldemort.

Dumbledore looked slightly taken aback. "Well now, that was interesting. Now, tell me what's been happening."

James was still gazing into the Pensieve.

"Mr. Potter? James? Yes, nice to have you back in my office."

"Sorry sir."

"It's perfectly fine. Now, tell me everything."

**A/N: Yes, it's a cliffie because for now I'm otherwise too lazy to type the rest. R&R**


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